Grief is on my mind (and heart) lately. Realistically in my work as a death doula, it is never far away as death and grief are inexorably linked. I get so many questions about the right thing to say to someone who is sick, dying, or grieving, so here is my best (and short) answer: there is no “right” thing to say. Language is already so imprecise and the things that we say which we think can help often come off as insensitive or short sighted. Why? Because we are making it about ourselves and our desire to help. We generally give what we think people should hear rather than learning what they actually need from us.

There is no fixing grief. It just sucks. The best you can do is show up, acknowledge that you do not know what to say, and shut up. Let them lead the conversation. And if it requires you getting comfortable with their silence and your own, that’s just what it is. Remember above all, that this is not about you. It is about them. Give them what they need and not what you *think* they need.

Thank you so much for giving me a minute of your life to think about the end of it. ⏳🙏🏿💜

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