The public grief over the death of Kobe Bryant is rich. And it is complicated—just like his human life was. Even as a death doula I tousled with my own emotions around it. There was the initial shock that a seemingly young and vibrant man’s life ended so suddenly. This happens daily in far less public ways and is—at best—a reminder that our lives are precious and fragile. There was also the complexity around his legacy.

Kobe Bryant and I were born the same year and I watched his star rise even though I am not a basketball fan. I celebrated his wins and the expertise with which he played the game. And like many others, I felt disgust at the allegations of sexual assault and rape. His death flared both of those things and I determined for myself that both could be true.

His death and how we are speaking about it is highlighting the fact that we still have a whole lot of work to do around non-judgment of another. To be human is to be complex. None of us are wholly saint nor sinner. The complexity of human life is a precursor to the complexity we feel at the end of it. People still have to grieve complicated relationships and this death in particular is evidence of that. Even a serial killer has got a Momma and you bet I would hold her in her grief. Just as I will hold you in yours even if I do not understand it.

I got some vile private messages after one of my posts about Kobe. I am sorry you are hurting. Lashing out at me or anyone else online isn’t going to make it hurt less. My hope is that we can find compassion for ALL of the expressions of grief now whether it shows up as people fully decked out in lakers gear or the violent triggers of rape survivors. Let’s be kind to each other when it hurts, even if we can’t understand why it hurts. And, as always, thank you for giving me a minute of your life to think about the end of it.

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